I Try Not To Think
by ClumsyWitch
Summary: Tonks makes a difficult choice. Angsty one-shot. See AN. Please review


**A/N**: This oneshot was written for VioletQuill's (Livejournal) Voices & Vaginas Challenge. The task was to write a fic that focuses on an HP woman and an experience _as a woman. _This was my entry. Also, if you have an LJ account and are interested, the due date is April 17th, 2005.

I look down at my stomach for a moment and think of him. I wish he was here with me. I try not to think of him. I try not to think about why I'm here.

"Miss?"

I sober quickly from my daydream and realize that the line has moved.

" Name?"

" Tonks." I clear my throat, attempting to awaken my voice. It's unusually soft today. "Nymphadora Tonks." I watch the petite witch pull open a large drawer. She mutters to herself as she flips through several folders.

" Taslie, Teel, Thyme..ah here we are." She pulls a folder with my name in small green letters from the desk and flips it open. "Ah.." She glances up at me quickly then back to the folder. I know what she's thinking, I have the sudden urge to flee. Before I have a chance she speaks again " That will be down that hall on your right. Room 1657" She hands the folder to me. " Healer Burton will be in in a few minutes, give her that." I nod stupidly and step out of the line. I felt more grown up when I was a child than I do right now. I can't remember ever being this scared. It smells awful in here; cleaning potions and bodily fluids. I walk a bit faster, trying not to trip over my own feet. I get the feeling everyone in this building is watching me..they know what I'm about to do. What's worse is that I know what I'm about to do. How did this happen? How did I get to this moment in time where the only thing that's flowing through me is pure, unbridled fear. A one night stand with my best mate. That's how I got here. Two months is a long time to avoid someone. Especially him; I love him. He loves me, but not the same way. I try not to think about him. I try not to think about why I'm here. I look up just in time to crash into a mediwitch carrying a tray of cotton balls and tongue depressors.

" Oh, are you alright?" She pulls herself up and I do the same.

"Sorry, my fault. Wasn't paying attention." My folder is still clasped in my hands, I really want to burn it.

" Can I help you get somewhere?" She charms her tray and its contents back together and sends it to a nearby reception desk.

" Room 1657." I realize I had not looked at anything but the folder since it was handed to me. I reluctantly shift my gaze up to her eyes. Her eyes are bright when she smiles, I bet she's a mother. I shudder slightly at this thought but I don't think she noticed.

" Here it is, dear." She turns and leads briskly to a door at the end of the hall. This room smells different, an unusual mix of potions I can't place. She directs me to sit on the small bed and takes the folder from my hands. She smiles sweetly and asks me if I need anything. I can't think of anything here that I'd need, really.

" I'll inform Healer Burton you're here." She disappears and I am left with my thoughts. I don't remember dipping my hands in ice water. I clench them together and rub my thumbs over one another. What's that tapping noise? Oh, it's just my foot. Or maybe that's my teeth. Okay, Tonks. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Christ. Just breathe. I do wish he was here. I want him to be sitting right next to me holding my hand, smiling and telling me anything I need to hear. He wouldn't do that, though. No, he'd throw me over his shoulder and run home. This thought makes me smile. He's listening to records right now, maybe reading with a cup of tea. I try not to think about him. I don't want to think about why I'm here. I hear the doorknob turn and see the Healer walk in. She reminds me of a baby doll I had as a girl. Round blushed cheeks framed with short, raven curls.

" Miss Tonks, good to see you again." Her voice is bright and cheery. I find it rather annoying for some reason but I smile anyway. "How are you feeling today."

"Fine," The universal word for 'I'd rather be dead.' "thanks." She's holding that familiar folder of mine. She flips it open for a moment and scans over each page.

"You've come to a decision then?" I nod and stare at the grime and dirt that's found home on my sneakers. " Fine. I'll have you sign here and here and we can get started." She sees I'm confused. "It's just a form saying you understand that the pregnancy will be terminated and that you give your consent." I nod again and take the pen with a shaky hand. I pause slightly and take a breath. Nymphadora Evelyn Tonks. I hand the pen and forms back to her; she signs her name at the bottom. " The procedure only takes about half an hour." She crosses to the cupboard and pulls down one of many small, identical bottles. She's still talking but I can't seem to comprehend the words fast enough; there are too many. "Now," The bottles tap together as they're set on the bedside table. I blink slowly and bring my attention back to Healer Burton. " I'll have you come back here and take the potion then lay down." I push myself around to the other side of the bed and watch her pour the dark liquid into a paper cup. It doesn't smell too bad; I bring it to my lips and take it in. It's a thick metallic syrup that seems to squirm on its own in my cheeks. It swims over my tongue, it slides down into me, I feel as if I'm being frozen from the inside out. I look up at her shuddering more noticeably this time. " It wears off after a while. Lay down and rest a bit." She smiles again. Now that I think about it, everyone here has been smiling at me. I sigh and lay back onto the pillows. I close my eyes again and there he is. I think of his eyes; gray and amber, so beautiful. I try not to think of him. The frost in my belly is beginning to melt, spring is coming but there will be no flowers this year. I try not to think about what I've done. Her voice rings through me again. " You will experience heavy bleeding over the next week. Strong cramping is normal today and tomorrow and some women experience nausea. If any symptoms last longer than a week floo me here and make another appointment." I sigh and open my eyes. I want to hex that polite grin off her face.

Stepping outside, it begins to rain. That's not unusual for London in the springtime but it feels different today. I could floo home or signal the knight bus but I fear if I get where I'm going too quickly I'll break down. The only person I want is Remus and I can't call him. He'd hate me for what I just did. It's pouring now; the rain onto me and the blood into the thick pad between my legs. I settle against the brick department store and slide down to the sidewalk. I feel the small scrapes on my back but it doesn't seem to matter, I don't even shift my weight to make myself more comfortable. Sitting in the rain crying is dramatic but deserved. With each drop I'm filled with more guilt.

I try not to think.


End file.
